My last post was during the pandemic. I was still in uni, stuck at home, but still has an inifinite dreams. Four years later, would not expect that I moved out from my parents home. Writing this sentences in my rented room in the southern part of Jakarta.
So, what's everyone been doing? Me, not so much but my world and plan from years ago has shifted. Now, I work in private company as a IT consulant which way different from what I studied and planned in my room back in Yogyakarta several years ago.
Life so far is not bad. I met new people and learned new things here. My salary is okay, I can still save some. But, I always feel in constant worry about my future. Working in things that different from what I learned and even planned, feel like I can't get a grip of what future seems like. I don't know what I should prepare and expect which makes everything sounds scary. Few of my work friends has decided what they want. Most of them want to continue this path of carreer and jump from one firm to another. Looking for better benefit one can offer. While I'm still stuck whether I really want to take this as my path or switch before all is too late.
I wouldn't say I dislike nor enjoy it. Some days are full of pleasure doing it. But, most days stress me out. It's not that I cannot do the job or lost in how to do it. It's just that I haven't found the pleasure of doing my job. It's like don Physics class over and over again without an end. To be honest, I'm not a person person which can be important as consultant as you deal with client so long talk and chit chat is necessary. I don't despise discussion but what I do is sometimes more like customer service as you also cater the client question and help them to deal with their new system. This exhaust me, to keep talking all days. Also, I'm not a smooth talker. Seeing sometimes it's needed in this job.
In the end, I keep worrying about my work everyday. Thinking of Monday or any workdays as bleak and work things I have to do scares me. Maybe, since I don't enjoy doing it. Yet, can't find how to make it enjoyable.
Sometimes when I rethink about my past decision that led me here, I blame myself why I chose things I'm not familiar with. Now, when I'm thinking of next step I'll take, I keep being anxious whether I still can reach my dreams and follow my plan. A lot of things come to my consideration. All those thought keep bringing anxiety to me and yet I don't know how to handle it.
However, I'm still grateful of what brings me here. Seeing some of my peers are still looking for job and desperate for one or people struggling to make ends meet in this expensive and tiring world. I consider myself lucky, I get to have the privilege of having one with enough to get by and save or even give some to others.
But, I'm not denying that sometimes I feel jealous of those that can get the dreams they want or follow their plan. Some friends go to place that I also dream to work at, some pursuing education in places that I dream of. In my happiness for them, I envy them.
Now, it's almost end of 2024. I turned 26 this year. What I can do now is to try and strive for my best. I know sometimes rocky road or bleak days ahead are waiting for me to reach my dreams. Future will always scare me and anxiety will keep lurking everyday. Yet, what can I don unless to face it head-to-head and if it''s my fate , I'll no longer scared of future.
Well, please cheers me on my journey!
A special song that I listen to when I need a reminder of all support from my loved ones!
