Thinking of Future Scares Me

Hi. It's been a while. Four years, to be exact. And I tell you, my world has changed.

My last post was during the pandemic. I was still in uni, stuck at home, but still has an inifinite dreams. Four years later,  would not expect that I moved out from my parents home. Writing this sentences in my rented room in the southern part of Jakarta.

So, what's everyone been doing? Me, not so much but my world and plan from years ago has shifted. Now, I work in private company as a IT consulant which way different from what I studied and planned in my room back in Yogyakarta several years ago. 

Life so far is not bad. I met new people and learned new things here. My salary is okay, I can still save some. But, I always feel in constant worry about my future. Working in things that different from what I learned and even planned, feel like I can't get a grip of what future seems like. I don't know what I should prepare and expect which makes everything sounds scary. Few of my work friends has decided what they want. Most of them want to continue this path of carreer and jump from one firm to another. Looking for better benefit one can offer. While I'm still stuck whether I really want to take this as my path or switch before all is too late.

I wouldn't say I dislike nor enjoy it. Some days are full of pleasure doing it. But, most days stress me out. It's not that I cannot do the job or lost in how to do it. It's just that I haven't found the pleasure of doing my job. It's like don Physics class over and over again without an end. To be honest, I'm not a person person which can be important as consultant as you deal with client so long talk and chit chat is necessary. I don't despise discussion but what I do is sometimes more like customer service as you also cater the client question and help them to deal with their new system. This exhaust me, to keep talking all days. Also, I'm not a smooth talker. Seeing sometimes it's needed in this job.

In the end, I keep worrying about my work everyday. Thinking of Monday or any workdays as bleak and work things I have to do scares me. Maybe, since I don't enjoy doing it. Yet, can't find how to make it enjoyable. 

Sometimes when I rethink about my past decision that led me here, I blame myself why I chose things I'm not familiar with. Now, when I'm thinking of next step I'll take, I keep being anxious whether I still can reach my dreams and follow my plan. A lot of things come to my consideration. All those thought keep bringing anxiety to me and yet I don't know how to handle it.

However, I'm still grateful of what brings me here. Seeing some of my peers are still looking for job and desperate for one or people struggling to make ends meet in this expensive and tiring world. I consider myself lucky, I get to have the privilege of having one with enough to get by and save or even give some to others.

But, I'm not denying that sometimes I feel jealous of those that can get the dreams they want or follow their plan. Some friends go to place that I also dream to work at, some pursuing education in places that I dream of. In my happiness for them, I envy them.

Now, it's almost end of 2024. I turned 26 this year. What I can do now is to try and strive for my best. I know sometimes rocky road or bleak days ahead are waiting for me to reach my dreams. Future will always scare me and anxiety will keep lurking everyday. Yet, what can I don unless to face it head-to-head and if it''s my fate , I'll no longer scared of future. 

Well, please cheers me on my journey!

A special song that I listen to when I need a reminder of all support from my loved ones!

So7 - Perhatikan Rani

The Concept of Boyfriend Material

I am a big romantic comedy fan. Name any movies in this genre, I probably have watched it. Personally, romcoms are not just regular go-to movies. It gives me pleasure to feel swooned over by something. Also, it kind of built my standards toward men for a long time.

Late 90s and early 2000s are the golden era for romantic comedy. We have Notting Hill, Pretty Woman, 10 Things I Hate About You, Clueless, 13 Going on 30, The Proposal and many more classics. Those movies might always have the same plot. Man and Woman met as enemies, best friends, or just strangers. It always started with meet-cute. As a girl, almost all men in romantic comedies become my favorites. In short terms, they become my boyfriend material standards. Therefore, I have top three of my boyfriend material from romcoms. Peter Kavinsky, Tim Lake, and Mark Darcy. 

Peter Kavinsky might really popular these days. The potrayal by Noah Centineo is too real that for some girls, he should be the one we choose if he actually real. He might be rude at first, but I adore how he treated Lara Jean afterwards and just slowly fell for her. The pocket spinning in the hall, damn yeah. That was our Peter. 

 

Tim Lake and Mark Darcy are the guys that I would marry if they are real. Tim Lake is character from the movie "About Time", yet Mark Darcy is the guy from "Bridget Jones's Diary". Tim is not a good looking, well built, or rich man. He was just a regular guy with ability to time travel. Well, time traveling is not the type I wanted in man though (besides, he's a bit stalker too). But, the way he treated his family and wife was beyond. He is not perfect, but relatable. Tim is family man I wish I could marry in the future. Then, there is Mark Darcy, a well-known barrister who happened to secretly fell in love with clumsy and outspoken Bridget behind his grumpy face. Well, I don't like him at first because how can a man so grumpy and rude to woman? Soon, I know that that was the way he hid his feeling to Bridget. It turned out Mark was a great man and willing to give everything for the loved one.A barrister, kind and responsible man, what should I ask more?

But, do all romcoms men really built my standard? I have to say it takes part. Yet, there are many other things influenced it. Girls can't deny that some of their standards are influenced by the movies, series, or drama we watched. It just happened naturally since we want to be the one like the girls in the movies. However, men should've not been worry. Your own personalities are your identity. You should've not changed because you want to get a woman. Also, as woman we should be the best version of ourselves to get partners we wanted. Never expect high result when you don't strive for it.

When it comes to my boyfriend material standards, it changes through time. The older I am, I become more realistic. For me, there is no such things as perfect partner. So, I deciced to keep my concept of boyfriend material as "someone who is being themselves". If he was being himself, I could know whether we worth to fight for or not. By the way, all those things about boyfriend is something we shouldn't overthink. There will be the best time for you when you can feel being in love and be loved.So, take your time and enjoy your me-time as best as you can girls!

The Movement

           Recently, I was asked to do discussion with my senior from different major. The topic was about a documentary movie called "Diam dan Dengarkan". You can stream it on Youtube and Vimeo. To make it short, the documentary told 6 different stories. But, it focuses on how environment react in this pandemic time. The narrations gave me a moment of reflection on what I'm doing, did, and will do. It made me feel guilty for Mother Nature because I owe her so much.

         For quite some time, I realized that being an agriculture student is like double edges sword. We are needed as the source of food, but at the same time our activities leads to natural destruction. We can’t deny that the demand of agriculture goods needs extensive land use. As we may know, palm oil and cow husbandry, are the leading factors for forest destruction. Yet, I, as an agricultural economy student, see this as an opportunity. The imagination of getting profit and stable job are the good things for occupation. But, if I recall all the destruction it might happened because of the extensive land use, I am faced with temptation. Should I be an “idealistic environmentalist” while the prospect of having good amount of money is waiting for me? Well, as an agriculture student, I should see this chance to change how people perceive agriculture. It should be perceived into nature-friendly resource of food,not the opposite.

            In my opinion, all those destruction happen because we are too greedy. It is said that it is our instinct for wanting more. However, we have to know when we should stop. We are given with this ability to think. Then, try to think our capacity! Tell ourselves when we should stop! Try to remind ourselves that we’re not the one who can take from the nature. There are animals, plants, and other living organisms whom need nature as their habitat and food resources. I understand that we can’t just give in easily for what we consume, like plastics or beefs. Therefore, we can reduce the amount of it. I can’t suddenly be a vegetarian or vegan in two days. I’m not expecting myself to be a Greta Thurnberg who stop using airplanes due to carbon footprint. I’m expecting myself to be a better person. To know my limit. That’s why I disagree with all the “Mukbang” contents. Yes, they may finish all the food but they go beyond their limit. We don’t get to see how many people trying to do that and end up not finish it? How many foods are wasted? Also, don’t forget about how much effort farmers put to produce those foods? I always get lingered with the sense of guilt after I can’t finish my food. That’s why I try to finish everything I eat and even my family unfinished foods.

            Also, growing up we are taught about nature. In kindergarten we were taught about animal by seeing the real animal at zoo, for instance. As we entered higher education, we focused on specific subjects. Biology is the closest subject to nature. Unfortunately, we learn the nature just by looking at the text book. Read and memorize. Read and memorize are not something bad, though. From that, we know theories that actually based on nature. What we forget is we are not learning from nature itself. My senior high school was an Adiwiyata School. It is a title for “green school” or school that aware of environment. However, the students are not taught about the real nature. Everything seems fake. All those garden, green houses, plants, ponds, and “nature things” in my school were man-made. We didn’t get a chance to learn nature from forests, coastal areas, rivers, or mountains. We are just told on what to do. I don’t even think the juries are well-aware about environmental issues. To make it simpler, it was all bullshit.

            The participation to save the earth and environment must be supported by a lot people. Those people in power and fame have the ability to persuade community to start changing. We are calling those Politicians, Youtubers, Selebgrams, and many more. They can play biggest part for the movement. Mr. Beast has started it all with 20 million trees planting. Now, we are calling for other influencers. It shouldn’t be something big, but start with raising awareness is what we need now. I believe those influencers have the power to do it.

            Meanwhile, I also self-conscious about what I did, am doing, and will do are far from perfection. What I said sounds like self-pretending. I do have temptation and fear to face the future. Am I doing everything, right? Can I save the world from destruction? Is my participation matters? I’m trying with small steps now. I’m trying to change my mindset and action on what I’m doing. I start to think the side effect of what I’m doing. I just don’t want the end of the world coming so quickly. That’s why, I dare myself to change. But, It won't matter when I'm doing it alone. So, I dare you to change together for the better future.Because in togetherness, it is easier.

REUNION

        This week has been a blastful week. On last Saturday, I wasn't expecting a long conversation over phone with my old friends. It was an unexpected reunion for us. From three people talking over Whatsapp chat and then continue to had phone call. Then, two people came. Giving more joyful convo. We were recalling our time in junior high school. The time when we did some stupid things, getting angry over nothing because we forgot the reason, all the laughs, and pictures for the addition. I wasn't expecting to get back to the time when I was 13-15 years old. Looking back at the picture my friend sent me, I was just a little girl. I didn't see that I would come this far.

        Those conversations led me to revisit old pictures on my old laptop. I saw them carefully, trying to remember the stories behind it. The laugh, cry, angst, or disappointment. I treasure those photos. Those are my reminder about my past teenager life. Those are my heal for my adulthood.

        And today, something great happened. For some people, I would be considered as overreacting. But, this news brings back the memories. The 10th anniversary of One Direction. The boyband (probably not) every girl had crush on when they were teenagers. They came back after five years hiatus. It's not officially called reunion, though. But, knowing their social media keep posting about the anniversary is already a reunion for me. All pictures and videos they uploaded are taking me over the memory lane. I was 13 when I knew them. I recalled to fangirling and laughing over their videos with friends are what I did for 5 years (and still doing). It was silly yet beautiful and remarkable memories I wouldn't forget.

        For me, knowing One Direction has given me big impacts. They are the reason I diligently studying English. They are my motivation to come to England (Besides, knowing Harries Twin and other British Youtubers). Now, what I kind of reap of what I sow. Learning English just because of 1D (plus, my junior high school required me to learn) had given me easier time these days. I called it the indirect benefit of being a fangirl. Sure, my motivation to study to England also not change. I would say that I partly owe 1D over my learning and growing process.

        Both of my reunion with my old friends and One Direction have same impact for me. While I'm being confused about what path should I take after this and how my future gonna be, I am being reminded that I was having a lot of fun. I was living life the fullest. I faced life optimistically. I was the girl with dreams.

        Now I want to say to the girl I was 5-7 years ago, thank you for being my heal. I will strive with my best for our dreams.

        Cheers to our life.

The Future is in You?

Have you ever thought about what would happen in your life 5 years, 10 years, or 50 years from now? Do you think you'll be a successful person as you want to be or end up as disappointment? I always feeling insecure when it comes to the term of future. There are excitement and scare about what will happen in my life. As I grow and turn 20-ish I kinda doubt myself. The thought of "Is what I did enough for my future?" always popping up in my mind. Plus, when you see around sometimes you'll meet some people who are so gifted. They are smart, rich, charming, kind, and every possible good things that everyone wanted. And, I'm not as near as that. The insecurity of not being survived in the future sometimes haunts me. Can I survive to this simulation? However, scare can give motivation to be the best of me. The worst, it can give me insecurity of being failure. As I'm the first child, I kinda have responsibility to be the substitute of my father when he retired because I still have one younger sister who still need support, mentally and financially. Sometimes I do think it becomes a burden for me, the first child. But, at the same time it becomes priority. I put my family first over myself. Once a friend said "put yourself first". I do think I always put me first, but if I have other choices whether choosing for my family or others, I'll choose them.

Now, I'm in 6th semester of university. My contract is still less than 2 years before my university can drop me out. But, the scare of getting out there, to the real world sometimes scare me more than anything. I'm not ready. Though, I may look strong and well-planned I'm still a confused girl as I ever be. I still don't know if what I wanna be is reachable or not. Is it just wild dream or a goal to my life. The scare may grow bigger and bigger but life goes on and I don't wanna live with it. Therefore, there are two options for me, be the warrior who strive for my goal even my wildest dream or be the beggar who always asking for people's mercy because I can't reach my goal as I take pity for myself. Though, I know I'll be the warrior. Slowly but surely for my future. Because I know the future is in me. And now, it's your turn. Do you wanna be a warrior or beggar for your future?

Reactivating My Old Blog

Hi! It's been quite a while since my last post. Five years. The last time I posted something to this blog, I was in Senior High School. Time freaking flies away. I created this blog when I was in Junior High School. The time when I was a young girl with imaginative mind and lot of fangirling activities. I stopped posting to this blog as I became caught up with school and getting ready for university. And now, at 2020 as I will turn 22 I'm gonna reactivate this gem. I found writing in this blog help me to cope with some problems. I became more creative by writing and now I want to share again my thoughts about things that perhaps always crossing my mind. So, here's to another posts for you and me to come. 

Cheers,

Rani

P.S.

PLEASE DO NOT READ ALL MY PREVIOUS POSTS BECAUSE IT IS CRINGEY AF. I DO NOT WANT YOU TO GET BAMBOOZLED BY MY WILD IMAGINATION, SO PLEASE STAY AWAY. LOVE YOU!!

Book Review : Eleanor & Park "Two Misfits, One Extraordinary Love"

Author:      Rainbow Rowell

Penerbit:  St. Martin's Griffin

Jumlah Halaman:   326 Halaman

Mungkin kalian sudah banyak yang tahu tentang a long time couple in fiction world, Hazel Grace dan Augustus "Gus" Waters. Dan semua yang sudah baca "The Fault In Our Stars" pastinya pengen banget punya kisah cinta kayak mereka (Lupakan tentang kematian Gus).

Now, let's talk about Eleanor and Park. Another beautiful couple. 

Kisah mereka dituangkan Rainbow Rowell di sebuah novel berjudul "Eleanor and Park". Eleanor dan Park adalah dua remaja asal Omaha berusia 16 tahun. Novel ini menceritakan kisah cinta yang hampir setiap orang merasakan.. a first love.

Eleanor, a readhead,social-akwward and broken home girl meets Park, a half korean, karate kid, and punk boy. 

Semuanya berawal dari pertemuan canggung sekaligus tidak menyenangkan di bus sekolah. Komik superhero dan mixtape lah yang mempersatukan mereka. Hingga mereka menyadari bahwa hari Sabtu dan Minggu terlalu berat dijalani tanpa saling bertemu. Park dan Eleanor menyadari bahwa mereka saling jatuh cinta pada keanehan mereka. Meskipun mereka saling merasa tidak cukup baik bagi satu sama lain. Perasaan mereka terhadap satu sama lain diungkapkan dalam setiap narasi. 

Novel ini disajikan dengan bahasa yang mudah dimengerti. Kejujuran dalam mencerminkan perasaan tokoh membuat senyum-senyum sendiri. Sudut pandang yang dipakai rasanya seperti ketika penulis menceritakan sebuah kisah cinta pada pembaca. Sayangnya, konflik cerita ini kurang greget dan kurang memuncak.

Overall, novel ini sukses membuat saya senyum-senyum sendiri sekaligus membuat saya merasa bahwa saya sudah terlalu lama sendiri (Mereka seumuran sama saya!). Last but not least, this is a great book to feel again the feeling when we are in love!

A first love will never lasts.